I’m feeling a bit down on my luck lately. Life is pretty shabby and it just seems to be one thing after the next. When things get like this I tend to invert. It might sound like a perfect time to write but I tend to go the opposite way. I’m not a dweller, not openly anyway. I draw into myself to worry about things and think more along the lines of “a problem shared is a problem doubled”. I don’t like people to worry about me and so I don’t give them reason to, which I admit is probably really stupid and selfish, but a very difficult trait to change.
When things get bad I avoid phone calls, texts, emails…and it turns out I avoid blogging too! The stupid thing is that it’s not like I have nothing to say. I have plenty to say, but for some reason it just doesn’t come out when I’m unhappy.
Then came a moment of clarity.
Anyhoo, for the last few weeks there have been trailers on the TV for a programme called “9/11: Phone Calls From the Towers”. For the last few weeks I’ve been predicting it would be a horrific programme, no-one would want to watch and it I most certainly wouldn’t be watching it!
Realising that most programmes on on a Sunday night are repeats of week-night stuff I flicked over to find the above programme. I hovered over the change channel button for second. There were literally 3 minutes of the programme left to go but I couldn’t change the channel. It felt disrespectful and calous. So, I watched the last few minutes and was bought to tears in that short time. It felt like the longest 3 minutes of TV I’d ever watched. At the end of the programme I couldn’t switch over until the music of the credits was over because I was just dumbstruck.
Then I watched it again (on a +1 channel) and pretty much cried the whole way though.
Clarity is an amazing thing. Whatever my problems may be there is nothing worse than what those people and their families went through / have been through. Although the programme was harrowing and heart wrenching with the actual 911 calls, voicemail messages and phone call recordings it also gave me a bit of perspective. I need to deal with my life head-on or it’s never going to get better and I’ll never be where I want to be.
So, I’m just letting you know that I am alive and that I’ve not forgotten you or got bored with blogging….I’m just having a bit of an inward struggle, and if the feeling of perspective subsides over night I’ll be watching “102 Minutes that Changed America” tomorrow night (it’s 102 minutes of video footage from people in or around the towers).
It’s funny how life moves on.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I hope you feel better soon! Sometimes taking a break from EVERYTHING – blogging, twitter, etc, etc, really does help. In other cases, it really helps to let people know what’s going on, and then they can give you advice.
*hug*
I have a friend who’s exactly like you whenever she got a problem. I guess it’s in your system already, changing it would be difficult. But from someone’s perspective – it would be hard for us to reach out when the person we’re trying to help is shutting us out.
Me on the other side tends to dwell – writing is my way of escaping when things are little bit out of hand.
Following your blog.
I totally get it from the other perspective, but I am pretty good at hiding my problems. I’m not the sort to whine and then pretend I’m fine once help is offered – you wouldn’t get a peep out of me!! Ever! But for now at least, the problems are gone! Yay! I’m not even lying about that either! Impressive!
Sorry this comment has taken so long to reply!!