Confessions Of A Secret Keeper » Uncategorized

(Not quite) 101 Reasons I Haven’t Closed My Facebook Account Yet!

Jen — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 07:17:24 +0000

I don’t really use Facebook these days. The whole thing gets on my nerves a bit (the guy going through a custody battle is still b*tching about his ex and really I should probably just delete him, but I’m not really the de-friending type – you’ll be pleased to hear that he has just had another baby with her though – go figure – and I know all about the drama that ensued on the maternity ward when she refused to register him as the father…despite having not actually spoken to him for probably 5 years).

But the following is one of the few reasons my Facebook account remains active…

There will be many more of these to follow!

Listening to Roll Deep – Green Light

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The Good (Should) Far Outweigh The Bad

Jen — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 13:45:59 +0000

My job is kind of awful some days. I deal with some pretty terrible stuff, and by terrible I don’t mean I get whiny customers…I mean death….more specifically child death and that is only one part of the bad. Literally, my job would possibly kill anyone who wasn’t me. Despite the sad things though I manage to (mostly) maintain my happy and bright attitude (I’m not always positive, but can manage a smile for anyone).

Yesterday was one of the reasons that I don’t mind the bad things. Actually written into my job description are possibly the 2 best and most rewarding jobs in the world!

During the summer I get to arrange a trip for my team (the team I pretend I am in control of and make them do what I want by being wholey inappropriate and making them laugh – it works well!) and up to 200 families of disabled children to a (local) destination of my choice. This year….I chose the zoo!!

I adore the zoo! It’s the best place for bad jokes, to pretend you’re a child (I got a free ice cream!) and to get hit on by a 16 year old boy with downs syndrome. Apparently I was flirting with him. He groped me. I laughed. There’s clearly a lot more wrong with me than we first thought.

During the winter I get to arrange a Christmas party…much like the summer day but it includes the big guy with the white beard and red suit, face painting and presents!

Sometimes that’s all it takes to make up for the days where a child dies.

Listening to Tinie Tempah – Written in the Stars

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Whoever Sets the Weather is Messing With My Hair!

Jen — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 20:55:31 +0000

I’ve always been pretty useless at dressing for the weather. I wear flip flops for everything (although I draw the line when it snows…begrudgingly!), and my clothes are generally thinwith skimpy tops (again, drawing the line in the snow…although I have been known to forget that line before!) and I’m just highly inappropriate in every aspect of living. Have I mentioned before that I’m a little crazy? Thought so.

Anyway, the weather is really messing with me at the moment…and this time it’s not even because I get dressed without looking out of the windows to see if there’s a Tsunami or anything. We’ve had a pretty awful week, weatherwise, with what has felt like a hurricane going on around me and I don’t cope well with windy conditions at the best of time – this girl has looooong hair – but seriously…it’s meant to be summer!!!

So this morning when I got up, saw bright blue sky and not a cloud in the world, I put on some white linen trousers, a sleeveless top and my uniform flip flops (they’re generally beautiful and sparkle, which always improves my days!).

I was driving along the seafront with this view….

(Keep an eye on the crazy big balloon thing almost at the centre of the image – you can tell how far I managed to drive!)

So this weather made my outfit appropriate right?

Well no!

I sat at the lights for no less than 5 minutes, and the traffic getting accross was bad! By the time I got to that ridiculous balloon…

(Note the balloon on the left!)

How am I meant to learn to dress appropriately when someone keeps flicking the rain switch??

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The Secrets Never Stop

Jen — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 20:40:51 +0000

There’s a box that I’m scared to look in.

It holds hundreds of secrets.

I’d slowly forgotten about it over the last 5 or so years.

I guess you never really forget anything.

Listening to The Fray – How To Save A Life

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I Sometimes Miss Your (Type) Face

Jen — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 12:29:29 +0000

I’m a talker…if you’ve every chatted to me you’ll understand that. Well, if you’ve every spoken to me in person anyway (which, let’s face it, isn’t all that likely). I generally talk for hours and don’t really remember what I’ve spoken about…but it would probably have been highly inappropriate and would definitely have made you laugh.

Just lately though things have felt a little off. Do you ever feel desperate to say something but when the opportunity arises the words just wont come out? Tag that together with using the phone and you have a recipe for disaster.

I’ve become so accustomed to speaking to people over the internet that I think I’ve forgotten how to converse with strangers over the phone.

Last week I spent approx 1hr 45minutes on the phone with some guy in India discussing my broadband (read: he basically told me I was an idiot and the reason it wouldn’t work was entirely my fault) and I felt completely unprepared for this verbal interaction! We got to the point in the conversation where I needed to argue my point to get it across and I failed miserably (when I say “I failed” what I mean to say is that I actually burst into tears (luckily I’m not a hyperventillator / loud crier) because I just could not get my point across).

At first I figured that maybe it was because I had forgotten to collect my Indian phrase book before leaving work and that was the reason he could not understand me (and my very clear and precise English accent). But when I actually thought about it it has probably been about 18 months since I’ve had to use the phone to sort out anything technical, i.e. internet, phone etc. I was a tiny bit shocked because anyone will tell you (not least my parents who once had to pay a £400 phone bill for me…oops) that I am a terminal talker…like literally, I could talk you to death.

I seem to have become a much better typer (Hi Gchat!) and I like to have a second to think about something before I say / type it and there’s the obvious bonus of being able to delete something before you say / send it (yeah, that whole deleting thing is something I should use more often to damped the inappropriate a little).

Are we getting too technological and less personal??

Sidenote: The internet issues were not my fault and by the end of the conversation (I think) I had well and truly got my point across. Of course the customer service guy wouldn’t fully admit that but just said that he had “never seen anything like this before, it much be a one off”, to which I might have said that I am not opposed to free gifts! Oh yes, and the pleasurable conversation cost me $32! Excellent.

Also of note: Skype 3G, as opposed to WiFi, (iPhone) calls are now free!! Whoop!

Listening to Chase & Status – Let You Go

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Sometimes There’s Only One Thing That Will Improve The Week From Hell!

Jen — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 15:30:00 +0000

…and that’s a bit of puppy face!

Thai - 6 months old - Pug / French Bulldog Cross

Mum was surprisingly unpreturbed by the chocolate biscuit on cream sofa!

Love you snaffle pup!

Listening to Seth Lakeman – Fight for Favour

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He Doesn’t Work Weekends

Jen — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 12:06:27 +0000

I’m not a screaming kind of girl. Get your mind out of the gutter!! I mean like shrieking, you know, if something scares or surprises you. Well I didn’t think I was anyway. I’ve made it this far in life without it so I was a bit confused as to why it started today.

Simon (the boy cat I’ve stolen adopted from my gay neighbours, not that them being gay makes me think he needs adopting, it’s just something I do (see Tatty)) has become a regular fixture at breakfast…and lunchtime…5pm snack time…dinner time…and the odd pre-bedtime. Last week I received 5 mice in 7 days, he said it’s because he doesn’t work weekends.

I hadn’t had any mice since last Friday until today. I was in the kitchen making dinner when I saw Simon out of the window getting a little bit too excited for it just to be that time of day where he sits down to read the paper (he does, really). I went out to the patio to find a tiny mouse squirming around on its back. 100% alive and 100% desperate to get away from Simon (the unfriendly mouse cat).

The mouse ran towards me…followed extremely closely by Simon. I screamed. Yes! Me! I screamed!! What is my problem!? This was followed by 5 minutes of me trying to chase Simon away, Simon chasing the mouse, Simon grabbing the mouse by it’s tail, me screaming, Simon looking at me like a moron (he has that look!), me thinking I was brave enough to grab the mouse, Simon grabbing the mouse, me thinking I was brave enough to pick up a very over excited cat and lots more of the above.

Eventually Simon gave in (when I bought out some more fancy cat food)!

I’m awesome…and I’m back!

P.s I totally saved the mouse!

Listening to Marmaduke Duke – Rubber Lover

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Conversations with my Family (whatever number!)

Jen — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 08:46:42 +0000

Setting The Scene: At the parents house, sat on the couch with dad; with mum and KPC sat on another couch. Dad says something mean (jokingly) and I pick up a fork that’s next to him…and of course stab him (semi-lightly) in the leg.

Dad: If you do that again I’ll…..

As I stab him (semi-lightly) again

Dad: Margaret (a.k.a mum)!! She’s forking me in the leg!

Did I mention my dad has this way of being quite offensive / inappropriate yet a millions times funnier than both of those?

Listening to The Wreckers – Lay Me Down

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I Wish I Was

Jen — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 11:32:23 +0000

Sometimes I wish I was as good at blogging as I am in person. As in, I sometimes struggle with writing because it isn’t like a proper conversation, not a straightforward flowing one anyway. I work better when I have someone to bounce off. I am a pretty awesome conversationalist! I could literally talk for hours and, whilst you may be bored of me, you will be at least me mildly entertained.

The evidence of how awesome it would be if we were friends (taken from Gchats, emails etc to various friends):

When you’re ill, and suggested you might be dying, then I might say this to you:

If you’re going to Machu Picchu I might inadvertently convince you that your boyfriend will propose to you at the top (as it is your anniversary afterall) and then somehow we’ll end up looking at rings whilst shopping together. Then I’ll pretend it wasn’t me who planted to seed in your head when it never happens…and 2 years later it still hasn’t happened!
When you forget your alphabet we could sing it together (in Gchat of course). Or, we could until I forget the ending (the tune, not the letters!).

When you’re sad I’ll email you and waffle on like a crazy woman in the hope you might smile at my misfortune:

“Things here are jumping between cold / wet / rainy / cold / sleety / cold / wet / snowy / cold and wet / blustery / cold / icy / cold. So yeah, pretty awesome! I’m on my second cold of the year, despite not having a cold since 1999 (ok, maybe an exaggeration) previous to this AND, most ridiculously, I have 3 new coats! How can I get a cold when I have a coat??? I think I’m going to request that the good people of Next, Diesel and River Island return my money as their clothing clearly doesn’t do exactly what it says on the tin (read: “Keeps out the cold. Might contain nuts”).”

If you’re desperately trying to find a new job there’s a chance I might email you resume cover letter suggestions, these will luckily for you generally include things like:

“… please hire me because I’m hot and if you’re unsold on my awesome resume….I might let you touch my vagina”).”

I’ll most definitely tell you about the dream I had when you ran off to France and joined the circus!

I’ll even let you know when Britney’s next album is out because despite the way you deny liking her I have in fact seen your hidden CD collection! Yes, I’ve been there!

When you’re getting married and I can’t be there I will absolutely email our mutual gay friend and request he takes my place as head bridesmaid and ensure they play plenty of Barry Manilow and Lionel Ritchie (mainly because I don’t think Australian people fully appreciate these things!).

Life with me as a friend is pretty damn swell (but I don’t say things like “swell” in real life, sorry!). So although I’m not always the best blogger in the world perhaps you should send me an email to see my full potential!!

Listening to Breaking Benjamin – The Diary of Jane

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Twitter Weekly Updates for

Jen — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 08:00:00 +0000

When you wake up on a Tuesday convinced it's Saturday, odds are, it's going to be a bad day! #
@pinkjellybaby when do you get the keys? in reply to pinkjellybaby #