By now you should’ve this post where, in short, I told you my life sucked and that I was going to finally do something about it! Well my first aim was to get my funny back! This has begun.
Before my life begun to suck, in around November of last year, I was pretty funny. What? It’s true!! I smiled and laughed at everything…because I think it’s the best way to be. Even if I was sad and something made me cry (a very rare occurrence) I still laughed…and then felt ridiculous for crying!
Christmas 2008 was hideously depressing and my birthday in February was the worst birthday I have ever had (don’t ask!) and it came as a massive shock because my birthday’s have always been the best day of the year! I think I deserved a little bit of time off from laughing!
Now I’m going to share a little sumin-sumin (I do know how to spell that really, phonetics were for effect) with you. I am going to call this Exhibit 1 of the Funny. There’s a chance I might do regular exhibit updates just to prove that I am trying to make my life suck less!
Exhibit 1 = an email sent to Jess shortly after I posted this
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To: Jess@jensbff.com
CC: mrchristopher@jensbffsfriend.com
Subject: We’re getting married in the morning, la, la-la, la, la-la, la, la
It’s me!
I’m sorry I made you tell me the big news over txt / that I guessed over text!! But you should know by now (after 5.5 years!!!!!!) that I have no patience for surprises, can’t handle suspense and might actually explode due to excitement one of these days!!!
BUT you can tell me again over the weekend and I’ll pretend I don’t know!! Hope that sounds ok!?
I’m so so so sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo pleased for you!!!!
You need to pretend like I’m going to be there! I need the guest list…hmm, send me an invite as well, just so I can RSVP (it only needs to be an email invite hehe). Also, seeing as though I KNOW I would be first choice in the hunt for bridesmaid perfection I need to know that a) you would’ve got me a fabtastically amazing dress and b) all other bridesmaid would be / will be dressed in brown potato sacks. Many thanks! I love you for that!
Are your mum and dad coming back out for it? What about your cousins and aunts and uncles? OMG what about Sperm Donor Reilly?
I’m going to need full evidence that this event has occurred with photos and a diary type thing for the whole shebang!!!!
I’ve just had the most AMAZING IDEA (it’s a lightbulb moment)!!! As chief (absent) bridesmaid (I’d still like a badge for that by the way) I would like to choose my replacement!!!! Yep, it’s a goodun. I want Mr Christopher to be my replacement! As a gay man I am positive Chris will appreciate all things pretty and wedding like! He’ll also cry like a baby (for me obviously, not because he’s more lady than man), get drunk during the service and keep you to himself all night (these things are mandatory Chris). BUT…one of Chris’ duties is to ensure that the giant stiletto from the back of the Priscilla bus (avec giant floaty sheet thing and freaking pink SMOKE) is present at the wedding. This is a must for any wedding…in fact, why not go all out and have a Priscilla themed wedding?? OMG, what an excellent idea!? I would totally whore out my body to see that hehe.
Are you having a honeymoon? That’s 100% the most important part!!!
Will Martin be there by the time you get married?? A couple of people from the motherland would be nice.
Clearly my life sucks so much that I couldn’t even afford the train fare to London right now! I am (and have also told the p-unit to) stepping up my game when it comes to winning the lottery!!!!! I so badly want to be there with you…to get drunk with you clearly, maybe we should just get married….is Bill really that important to you? Hehe (that was a joke if you’re reading this William / Wayne / Bill…hmm, how well do you really know this guy Jess?? With pseudonyms a plenty he could be anyone!).
Well, I think I’ve done my quota of being paid (at work) to send personal emails for (probably the month but we’ll just admit to) the day (because it’s only the 3rd day of the month!).
Love you lots my little fire cracker!!
God damn all the seas between us!
P.s the seagulls outside my work window have hatched their chicks, I’ve named one after you this year – I’ve called him The Violent Red Bull!
Sidenote 1: I am a good guesser aren’t I!? Did you like the txt “I cannot for a second believe you’re coming home…meaning I’m either missing out on childbirth or getting drunk whilst you wear a fancy dress”. Possibly my proudest moment in txt history hehe.
Sidenote 2: For someone so bright / intelligent I actually wrote “couldn’t even afford the plane fair to London”…seriously, my life sucks so much I’ve gone all retarded!
Sidenote 3: I bet you’ve just realised how much you’ve missed my emails haven’t you!? I’ve just realised how much I love writing them! God, my life is so depressing that it’s stifling my amazing wit!
Sidenote 4: I just looked up the word “stifling”…MS Word gave me a synonym of “roasting”…god, whoever would’ve thought that stifling was so rude! I thought it meant cutting off or something.
Sidenote 5: I’m copying this email to Chris so you cannot deny my intentions for him to be the most beautiful bridesmaid there ever has been!.
Sidenote 6: I could write a sidenote for every sentence I’ve written…but I wont! I feel like my life needs to be narrated by sidenotes though! Oooh, Vin diesel is definitely going to narrate my life, that would be good. Do you think I’d get to meet him?
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Ok, a few editorial notes for you so you understand the email a little more.
Chris is Jess’ friend from here. Jess split up with her boyfriend, of almost a decade (I had to say that for effect – it was more like 7 or 8 years I think, although I can’t remember right now) and Chris happened to be going to Australia and told her she should go to. So really, Chris stole my Jessica…hmm, or maybe her parents paid him to take her? Hehe. That’s how she ended up there anyway.
“Sperm Donor Reilly” is the man who (as it suggests) donated his sperm to create Jess. I’m sure I’m okay to say that because I’m pretty sure I’ve said it before, and it’s pretty likely I’ll say it again (I’m repetitive like that). Jess has a pair of parents and SD Reilly.
In Australia the name “Wayne” apparently gets changed to “Bill”…I’m thinking much like we change “William” to “Bill” – clearly our version makes more sense! This is where I get confused with Jess’ boyfriend / fiancé / future husband (god that sounds strange!).
I think that’s probably all you need to know.
I’m hoping evidence of my funny will be around tonight as well…at the beer festival (mmm….delightful!).
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
this was so effing funny!!
it kinda sucks u hve to miss the wedding but i hve been there 2 months ago my favouritist cousin got married and i was gutted i could not be there cos i am currently passport-less.and like you i made all sorts of demands to make sure my presence was felt and i helped out with arrnagements from this end by okay-ing all sorts of things!!
at the end of the day she knows you love her!
and am proud of you for sitting up and reclaiming your wit and humour, most people jst sit and sulk so YOU GO GIRL!!
ok this is long enough of a comment:)hve a good weekend and do drink TOO MUCH!!
miss rambles’s last blog post..a little blue…
@miss rambles – hate missing out on things in general….so this sucks so much more!! Drink too much? Me? I only ever drink enough!!
I only ever drink enough too
My kinda girl!
LiLu’s last blog post..Maybe It DOES Have To Do With How Dorky I am… And That’s? Okay.
I sent awesome emails as well! Although they tend to get very long and have at least five P.S.’s at the end.
So… Jess met Wayne in Australia but they’re getting married in London? Huh?
SassyGirl’s last blog post..The Charade
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