TMI | Confessions Of A Secret Keeper

02 Jul

TMI Thursday – Someone Elses Misfortune

Posted by Jen, under Uncategorized

As I skipped TMI last week, because I am bad, I thought I’d share a little over-share story with you.

Every year there is a VW surf festival in the UK called Run to the Sun…and most years we trek down for camping, drinking, dancing and general good times. (See, I told you I camp!). Anyhoo, there is always a large group of us and it tends to turn in to some kind of mammoth event (it is already mammouth in general, but I mean for our group).

On the year in question there were 19 of us – 6 tents, 7 cars, 1 van, 1 fridge, 2 guitars, 24 crates of beer (x24 bottles per crate – they were on special offer!), spirits and mixers galore and much much more.

This is the tale of an impressionable young man, who isn’t so impressionable and not so young (is 27 young?). We were drinking around the camp fire. Okay, so there was no fire, more of a disposable BBQ (and please remember, it’s camping as in tents not log cabins). By this point we were all pretty drunk. The young man in question had recently split up with his girlfriend (of questionable morals, values…everything about her was questionable really) following her latest violent outburst (when she threw a brick through the window of the pub he managed) and arrest. honestly, to look at this girl you wouldn’t think she was capable. She was very petite, slim, quite pretty, fair…she basically looked adorable – a fantastic disguise for a psycho.

I digress! Anyhoo, midway through Kumbiar(ok, maybe that was a lie) Mr Impressionable stood up and told everyone he had a broken weiner (yes, wEIner, not wIEner). Clearly laughter ensued and a lot of puzzled looks. Mr Impressionable went on to explain that approximately 8 months prior to RTTS he and his then GF had got a little frisky in the car park of the pub he runs one night after having a few glasses of “pop” (ha, I felt like my mom saying that!). After the friskiness he had gone inside to find himself covered in blood…and by covered (he said) it was as thought Aunt Flohad been really angry that he’d touched her vadge!

Mr Impressionable went about cleaning up his business and then decided he needed to tinkle. Unfortuantely, as he started to tinkle, he realised that Aunt Flodefinitely had not come to town when he felt a sharp sting coming from his man-gina (I just like that word). It turned out that he had split open some skin around the turtleneck and it had bled rather a lot.

So, 9 months down the line and hisweiner was still broken. Everytime he had the sexing it split open again.

Upon being asked why he hadn’t gone to the doctors Mr Impressionable exclaimed that he was far too embarrassed to do a thing like that…and so he went for 13 months with no sex! YES! A weiner takes 13 months to heal!!

The moral of the story? don’t stop having sex with a psycho or she’ll smash your windows!!

Popularity: unranked [?]

18 Jun

TMI Thursday – When Peeing Yourself Can Be Sexy

Posted by Jen, under TMI, Uncategorized

I met, we’ll call him, Cyril (lol…The Racoons is on!) in the bar I worked at whilst at uni. We’d gotten to know each other over a few months. We went out on a few “dates” (by dates I mean hookups at clubs after work) and got on pretty well.

One night, whilst I was working, Cyril asked if i wanted to go back to his place with him. I said no…ok, that was a lie, I said yes. I finished work early that night and was pretty excited to go back for some sex education!

So excited that I totally overlooking nipping to the toilet prior to leaving work! Ugh! Big mistake! I hadn’t taken my car to work, as I had planned on drinking after my shift. Cyril didn’t have his car because he had the same plan as me (although he didn’t work at the bar…he just liked to get drunk).

We walked! (Seriously, why did I not think to cab it??). It was a 40 minute UP HILL walk! It’s a good job there was going to be a light at the end of this damn tunnel!

By the time we got to the top of the hill I was DESPERATE for a pee! By desperate I mean SERIOUSLY DESPERATE. That kind of desperate when you can feel your organs all squishing up inside you to make more room for the pee. Then you get the gut-wrenching pains of too much freakin pee!!

Obviously, not wanting to show my delightful self up, I played it cool and waited a few minutes to ask where the bathroom was when we got inside (god I’m an idiot!!).

Cyril went to the kitchen and I literally flew up the stairs!! Finding the bathroom seemed to take forever, although in reality there were only 4 doors to choose from upstairs.

Bladder fail!

I didn’t make it.

Flood gates were wiiiiiiiiiide open!

Oh god.

Now what!?

I was wearing my black work ruffly skirt. So that was something at least. At least there were no giant pee patches on my ass and I’d somehow manage to pee on the ruffles and not completely on the floor (but yeah, there was a patch on the floor). You know when you see little girls desperate for a pee and they shove there hand between their legs – like it’s actually going to help? Well, that was me with the ruffles try to save my dignity.

Dignity fail.

What do I do? Have an impromptu shower without asking and seem like a complete and utter fruitcake? Or admit to peeing my “pants”!?

Neither.

I was slutty.

So, first plan: Just remove knickers (in my head I thought he’d think I was naughty and it would be good). In reality I had still covered my skirt in pee. Second plan: Remove knickers and skirt – logistically this just wouldn’t work…how random am I going to look just wearing my work top? Seriously? I went with plan 3: Remove everything!

So I got naked, gave “down there” a quick swill, grabbed a bath towel and wrapped it around and then gave my skirt a quite once over in the sink. You may be thinking that was silly…but I had another plan (god, if only I had the brain capacity to plan good stuff these days!). I put my skirt on the floor by the shower knowing that it would be quite plausable for it to have got wet whilst we were “cleaning the shower”.

Without giving you details and turning this into an erotic short story the evening went extremely well! Cyril got the (possibly) night of his life with a girl who just decides it’s time for a shower whilst he’s making drinks and I got away with peeing myself!!

We dated (and by dated I mean hooked-up) for 6 months. Then he moved away with his job. No more pee sex! Lol…well, that sounded wrong on all kinds of levels – but I couldn’t think of a closing line!

Popularity: 51% [?]

11 Jun

TMI Thursday – Another Toothbrush Tale

Posted by Jen, under TMI

This week is another toothbrush related TMI – sorry for last weeks weak effort!

Anyhoo, back in the good old days of high school we used to get Aftershock shots – sold in shot sized plastic cups ridiculously cheap (clearly cheaper to buy a bottle, but it doesn’t seem it when buying a bottle!), from Sainsburys. This was always a great idea when buying them because they were stupidly strong (read: bleach strong) and hence got you drunk quick – why this was important I’m not so sure now.

Anyhoo, my drinking buddy of the time was a girl named C who I went to high school with and we always had a great time when out – and in fact still do (it’s a miracle we survived our drinking days so we still have to meet up and mourn the death of our livers now and then).

One Friday night we were getting ready at her house. I’d bought the customary 6 pack of Aftershock’s (there was another friend drinking with us as well) as well as a bottle of vodka and some orange juice (to take away the disgusting Aftershock taste!).

So, the first shot each went down as ok as can the be expected. Quick schlurrrrrp of V&O and onto the second shot. I forgot to mention that the Aftershock’s were the first drink of the evening! As we “swallowed” the second shot I could see Cs face contorting a little. The cortorsion turned into a grimace and all of a sudden the Aftershock had turned to puke and it was back in the shot glass, all over her hands and on the carpet!!

A lot of laughter ensued as C continued to vomit. In to her hands. In that classy way that it somehow sneaks between your fingers and seeps out all over the place.

After several minutes of laughing and general unconcern for a vomiting C I suggested we perhaps move the puke party to the bathroom…thinking that C could use the toilet as a better sick bowl. So, when we got to the bathroom C decided the sink would be a good place to be sick. Have you ever been sick in a sink before? You know that thing called a plug hole? The bit with bars on it? Well, it’s to stop large objects getting into the pipes (I think). So when you’re puking up chunks of some kind of veg, with purple Aftershock, it isn’t really going to work so well.

I really think the laughter was the main cause of so much sick. After a little while the sink was getting a bit full and C didn’t seem to want to move to the toilet. She handed me a toothbrush whilst she sat on the floor cleaning her grubby little sick mouth, and asked me to try and unblock the sink. I am suck a good friend! I did it, not really thinking about the toothbrush.

Being a hardcore and seasoned drinker C still came out! Impressed? You should be!

Later on in the night we got to talking about the toothbrush. She said it didn’t really matter much because it wasn’t hers….it was her brothers!! Gag!

(p.s – Lilu, how are the paragraphs looking? My work PC is hideous and makes everything look funny!).

****UPDATE****

Just incase you haven’t noticed (but I’ve had numerous tweets / emails so you probably have noticed) by comments box seems to be broken / playing bad!! I haven’t changed anything although I vaguely remember a plugin update for spam filter recently. Damn spam filter! But it’s currently blocking on average (my stats tell me) 113 spam comments a week – so it is kind of necessary.

I’m also having problems with my posts – paragraphs are “squishing” (hehe) and it’s not looking so great.

SOOOOOO…as soon as I get a chance I will change the theme / layout and try to sort it out!! I’m very sorry!!!

Popularity: 10% [?]

04 Jun

TMI Thursday – Seriously, You Stole My Toothbursh?

Posted by Jen, under Did I really just say that?, TMI

This is more of a hysterical / unfortuante series of events (why thank you Lemony Snicket) than a proper TMI – I’m going lighthearted instead of slapping you full force with a wet fish today. It may not even seem funny to you because you can’t relive it in your head like I will be in mine through the whole thing!

One weekend Jess (BFF in Oz) and I were left to our own devices by pretty much everyone! This wasn’t something that happened often because we are generally trouble when combined with alcohol – like the way baking soda mixed with vinegar explodes…that’s how things went down when we were drinking.

This particular weekend we enrolled someone new into our merry little gang. A girl I had known for literally 2 weeks whilst she temped where I work. It seemed a good idea at the time! In my defense 2 weeks isn’t enough time to find out if someone is a crazyass is it!? (Ha, she’s not even the main reason this story is funny!). So, Jess, Crazyass and another friend came over to my house to get ready. Then we painted the town red. For the next few hours my mind is a little alcohol-blind….until later that night Jess approached me to tell me that Crazyass was “touching” her. Yes, our brand spanking new friend was inappropriately raunchy dancing / touching with my Jess! The cheek. Jess followed this up with “but if you did it it would be ok”…thanks!

Crazyass was seriously hammered beyond belief! Seriously, I admit to the occasion alcoholic tendencies in my youth, but I was never an immature drunk. You know when girls get all stupid and one minute they’re your best friend and the next they’re crying hysterically. That was Crazyass! Un/luckily with the next 5 minutes she had disappeared! (To be followed up at about 5am with abusive texts from her sister saying she isn’t a lesbian…erm, who said she was???).

Onto the funny stuff! So Jess and I did what we usually did….hit the shots!! Squashed frogs and dirty ozzies a-plenty!! Followed by copious amounts of vodka and redbull (our regular drink of choice!). As you can probably imagine this, followed by a few hours of dancing and more drinking, lead to us being somewhat worse-for-wear (what does that saying even mean!?).

We somehow managed to get back to my house but when we got in things went very wrong. I got glasses of water (being the good host that I am) and we’d had jacket potatoes on the way home…so things were set to look good for the morning. I went upstairs to sort out beds and stuff and Jess went to “hug” the toilet. I came back and found Jess passed out on the bathroom floor….so I went and passed out on my bed. A little while later I was woken by the sound of someone trying to open my front door….panic not, it was drunken Jess!

She’d called a taxi and was trying to go home…unsuccessfully! I went downstairs and opened the door and saw that she was wearing (I jest not) her PJ bottoms tucked neatly into her black stiletto knee high boots and the top she’d worn out with her PJ top over the top. Delightful! In a split second Jess had emptied the entire contents of her purse on the floor, including a lipgloss that we never found (and she’s probably still upset about).

The taxi arrived and Jess fell asleep in it on her way home!

Next Morning!

I woke up to the sound of my phone…it was Jess….it was about 9am!!

It didn’t take long to figure out we were both still drunk (thank god we weren’t hungover!), the deal was sealed when I fell out of bed and couldn’t stop laughing despite hitting my head on the bedside table! I had been summoned to Jess’ house over the course of the conversation and my mission was to go via McDonalds.

So, I dressed appropriately….in lovely clean PJs. Packed my “lounging” gear – which consisted of DVDs, chocolate, slippers (what?) and a blanket…..and got in the car. Looking back I can see clearly where this could’ve gone very wrong! McDonalds drive-thru is about 5 mins from my house, and then Jess’ house was about 20 mins from that. I made it to McDonalds in one piece despite continuous txt messages on the way and fits of hysterics for no apparent reason. I collected cheese burgers, chicken nuggets, milkshakes, fries and fillet of fish (yuck!) and was on my merry way.

The rest of the drive was a little scary as the quickest way to Jess’ was to hit the dual-carriageway (a bit like a mini-motorway). I had to stop on route to puke. Classy lady!

I reached Jess, in 1 piece (but with a little piece of me left at the side of the road somewhere), and found her waiting in the hallway…on the floor of course. We sat and “almost died” on the couch for several hours when Jess pulled a toothbrush from her purse.

Me: “I cannot believe you stole my toothbrush!”

This doesn’t sound as funny as it was but just imagine it with 2 drunk and hysterical girls who narrated the entire thing to each other over txt whilst apart!