TMI Thursday – Baldrick and the Po-Po

Hostest with the mostest – Miss Lilu ***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!***

 So, I was given permission to add “penie” to the Ps of TMI!  I can hear you all whooping and hollering as I say the word “penie”. 

Hmm, now I wasn’t sure which little (haha) penie story to start you off – do I easy you in gently or just ram the point it home!?  Decisions, decisions!  I decided there will be no order to the Penie Chronicles – just expect a lot of them!

 I was sort of dating (read: friends with benefits) a guy who I was really only “dating” to irritate someone else (read: his best friend was my previous FWB – until he bought his long term girlfriend into my place of work at the time – that’s probably another TMI).  Anyway, I worked at a bar in my town between finishing uni and deciding to get a real job.  After meeting (let’s call him) Baldrick and getting to know him through Stavros (previous FWB) it was quite convenient when he suggested we plot against Stavros (as Stavros had somehow upset Baldrick – boys are as complicated as girls sometimes).  So we set about our casual “relationship”.

 So, for a month or so Baldrick would meet me after work (around 2am), say farewells to his friends and then we’d go back to his place.  All was going well.  Until one fateful warm summers night.  We got back to his and he gave me the guided tour.  Yes, you got that right, I had in fact never seen much more of the inside of his house than the living room, stairs, hallway and bedroom!

 I had the downstairs tour, not a bad place, and then upstairs. Baldrick was quite a looker.  He was about 6ft, muscular and toned in all the right places and not the best conversationalist (perfection for sex).  So when we got to his spare room and it was kitted out like a gym I wasn’t too surprised. 

 Ok…so this is when I should’ve realised things were a strange!?  Spare room number 2 actually turned out to be the room we cavorted in.  What was the big deal about his official bedroom??  Well, me being not so subtle just barged in and took a look.  Nothing too unusual….but wait….what’s that on the wall?  3 framed photos of a woman!  Oh god, he has a girlfriend!!  So, I made a few jokes, he said it was his wife…he was joking.  I walked over and it was none other than Cat Deeley.  Now, let me tell you, I’ve HATED Cat Deeley ever since she gave English people a bad name whilst really badly hosting American Idol a few seasons ago. 

 I brushed this under the carpet whilst slightly freaking out.  We headed for the sex-bedroom, stripped off rather rapidly and hopped to it!  I was pleasantly minding my own business, on top, when all of a sudden I glanced down.  The realisation that something is wrong is quite a horrible thing when you’re having sex.  I’m not sure what it was but something definitely felt funny.  I looked down again, whilst trying not to make it look obvious and I realised what it was, or wasn’t. 

 NO PUBES!  What?  A man with no pubes.  By “no” I mean zero, nadda, completely nakedly bald!!  Why would a man do this?  Trimming I will accept as no-one likes a crazy-wild thing going on down there!  But seriously?  The whole lot gone??  It’s acceptable for ladies, but c’mon…guys!  NO!

 A million and one things went through my mind as the minutes ticked on by.  But whilst these million and one things were traipsing through my mind things dried up somewhat…down….there.  Baldrick asked me what was up.  I said “nothing”.  Now, as this word fell out of my mouth I wondered to myself what the hell I was doing – the pubeless-wonder was starting to repulse me a little yet the P was still in the V.  So, I did what I have in fact discussed with you before.  I stood up.  Hopped off the bed.  Grabbed what clothes I could find (which was 2 shoes, 1 sock, a bra, skirt and my cardigan).  Got dressed as I was hopping down the stairs.  Closed the door behind me.

 On my way home (slightly creeped out slightly amused) I was pulled over by the po-po (that’s for you PJ – I don’t generally say “po-po”, although I could grow to like it).  It was about 4am and so apparently the 2 male police officers thought it was “usual for a girl to be out that late by herself”…way to make a girl feel safe boys!  Anyhoo, they could see I wasn’t exactly dressed for the 20 minute drive from Baldrick’s house to the p-unit’s house.  I had to briefly explain my rather casual attire (remember the 2 shoes, 1 sock, a bra, skirt and my cardigan) and my sex hair (minus the no-pubes exposé) and what I was doing out so late.  Seriously though, do the police really have the right to be asking about my sex life?  Well, I guess it’s fair game when it’s all there in front of them. 

 This story is getting a bit long!  Long story short.  Mr & Mr Po-Po followed me directly to the P-unit’s house.  I got out of the car.  Leaned over to the passengers seat to get my purse….I forgot something….2 shoes, 1 sock, a bra, skirt and my cardigan…what did I forget?  Oh yeah…my knickers…and I’m wearing a skirt!!  In my haste to cover the jynee (I’m doing a phonetic thing there in case you say it wrong!) I somehow slipped and hit my head.  Honestly, do you think my night could get worse?  The evil po-po insisted on walking me to the door to make sure I don’t die or something and because I couldn’t locate my keys immediately they ring the doorbell! 

 It’s a good job my dad has seen me in a post immoral state before.  But I have never been flanked by 2 policemen before so dad was a little startled!  Clearly dad didn’t get the xrated version of events.

 The best bit?  A few days later I had a text from Baldrick, he thought we should cool it, apparently I was getting to clingy…WTF???

The moral – sex with the lights on is advisable.

Don’t forget that on Thursday’s I also blog here

Want more like this??

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• TMI Thursday – When Peeing Yourself Can Be Sexy (16)
• TMI thursday – Truth Serum Will Do the Trick! (24)
• No More Safe Sex After This! (7)

Tagged as: fess-up, I break boys, I have morals, I'm a bad decision maker, I'm giving away free sex, safe sex, Save me a seat in hell