This is more of a hysterical / unfortuante series of events (why thank you Lemony Snicket) than a proper TMI – I’m going lighthearted instead of slapping you full force with a wet fish today. It may not even seem funny to you because you can’t relive it in your head like I will be in mine through the whole thing!
One weekend Jess (BFF in Oz) and I were left to our own devices by pretty much everyone! This wasn’t something that happened often because we are generally trouble when combined with alcohol – like the way baking soda mixed with vinegar explodes…that’s how things went down when we were drinking.
This particular weekend we enrolled someone new into our merry little gang. A girl I had known for literally 2 weeks whilst she temped where I work. It seemed a good idea at the time! In my defense 2 weeks isn’t enough time to find out if someone is a crazyass is it!? (Ha, she’s not even the main reason this story is funny!). So, Jess, Crazyass and another friend came over to my house to get ready. Then we painted the town red. For the next few hours my mind is a little alcohol-blind….until later that night Jess approached me to tell me that Crazyass was “touching” her. Yes, our brand spanking new friend was inappropriately raunchy dancing / touching with my Jess! The cheek. Jess followed this up with “but if you did it it would be ok”…thanks!
Crazyass was seriously hammered beyond belief! Seriously, I admit to the occasion alcoholic tendencies in my youth, but I was never an immature drunk. You know when girls get all stupid and one minute they’re your best friend and the next they’re crying hysterically. That was Crazyass! Un/luckily with the next 5 minutes she had disappeared! (To be followed up at about 5am with abusive texts from her sister saying she isn’t a lesbian…erm, who said she was???).
Onto the funny stuff! So Jess and I did what we usually did….hit the shots!! Squashed frogs and dirty ozzies a-plenty!! Followed by copious amounts of vodka and redbull (our regular drink of choice!). As you can probably imagine this, followed by a few hours of dancing and more drinking, lead to us being somewhat worse-for-wear (what does that saying even mean!?).
We somehow managed to get back to my house but when we got in things went very wrong. I got glasses of water (being the good host that I am) and we’d had jacket potatoes on the way home…so things were set to look good for the morning. I went upstairs to sort out beds and stuff and Jess went to “hug” the toilet. I came back and found Jess passed out on the bathroom floor….so I went and passed out on my bed. A little while later I was woken by the sound of someone trying to open my front door….panic not, it was drunken Jess!
She’d called a taxi and was trying to go home…unsuccessfully! I went downstairs and opened the door and saw that she was wearing (I jest not) her PJ bottoms tucked neatly into her black stiletto knee high boots and the top she’d worn out with her PJ top over the top. Delightful! In a split second Jess had emptied the entire contents of her purse on the floor, including a lipgloss that we never found (and she’s probably still upset about).
The taxi arrived and Jess fell asleep in it on her way home!
Next Morning!
I woke up to the sound of my phone…it was Jess….it was about 9am!!
It didn’t take long to figure out we were both still drunk (thank god we weren’t hungover!), the deal was sealed when I fell out of bed and couldn’t stop laughing despite hitting my head on the bedside table! I had been summoned to Jess’ house over the course of the conversation and my mission was to go via McDonalds.
So, I dressed appropriately….in lovely clean PJs. Packed my “lounging” gear – which consisted of DVDs, chocolate, slippers (what?) and a blanket…..and got in the car. Looking back I can see clearly where this could’ve gone very wrong! McDonalds drive-thru is about 5 mins from my house, and then Jess’ house was about 20 mins from that. I made it to McDonalds in one piece despite continuous txt messages on the way and fits of hysterics for no apparent reason. I collected cheese burgers, chicken nuggets, milkshakes, fries and fillet of fish (yuck!) and was on my merry way.
The rest of the drive was a little scary as the quickest way to Jess’ was to hit the dual-carriageway (a bit like a mini-motorway). I had to stop on route to puke. Classy lady!
I reached Jess, in 1 piece (but with a little piece of me left at the side of the road somewhere), and found her waiting in the hallway…on the floor of course. We sat and “almost died” on the couch for several hours when Jess pulled a toothbrush from her purse.
Me: “I cannot believe you stole my toothbrush!”
This doesn’t sound as funny as it was 
but just imagine it with 2 drunk and hysterical girls who narrated the entire thing to each other over txt whilst apart!
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Hehehehe… That sounds fun/ funny. =) So what happened with the new girl? Lols! hahahahaha…What was Jess doing with your toothbrush?! Lols…hehehehehe… Me + alchol+ friends= one crazy fun night.
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@ Mel – Really, the toothbrush is a mystery. New girl schmoo girl! She’d actually left my department by then so we didn’t really speak again after that. She was a bit too bizarre for us, then with her sister sending some textual abuse we felt it best to cut ties!
@ Maxie – I think she was pretty lucky the cab driver let her get in. PJs and knee highs have not yet been at the height of fashion…although i’m sure she still holding on to hope!
I totally get it! I can’t believe she took a cab home like that though, LOL
I’m so against girlies rubbing me all over, see? I’m that straight I don’t even wanna observe no matter how drunk I am. But the same rules don’t apply for boys
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@ andie – dancin with girls is good, but grinding on girls is a no-no!!
@ jess – I knew I needed to tell I was re-living that night! It’s only fair!
I am in hysterics reading this!!!! I have forgotten how funny this story is…..probably because I am the girl who is trying to make knee high boots and PJ’s a hit on the catwalk!!!!!